desperately trying to not let myself cave in.

desperately trying to not let myself be vulnerable to you again.

desperately trying.

how can you do this to me?

just when i thought i finally took a step forward, you pull me two steps back.

this is not the way how i wanted things to turn out.

on a brighter note, dance practices will resume next week. and i am kinda looking forward to it. though laziness is slowly getting the best of me. haha. and gosh there are more performances than i had expected (:

friday was malay dance family dinner. we had dinner at Tambuah Mas Indonesian Restaurant at Tanglin Shopping Centre - teachers' treat (: yay! thanks teachers for the wonderful dinner. the food was nice and we had lots of laughs together. though i think the restaurant wouldn't want us coming back again cos we were just too noisy! haha. and even though the night could have been much better for me (if you know what i mean HAHA), it's always nice just to be with my dearest dancers :D

and i've been wondering if the risk is worth taking at all. do i have anything to lose? or just the possibility of gaining something? even if things don't work out the way i hope they would, at least i would gain closure right. at least i will know. i've always believed that it's better to regret the things you did do and never the things you didn't. but things like these are always easier said than done. cos honestly, i don't think i have enough courage to take action. i admit that i am afraid of rejection. and i don't want to get my hopes up and have them shattered again. so what do i do? when all my heart wants to do is scream out how i feel about you.

ok random thought. why is it suddenly so cold and windy tonight? when it was like scorching hot earlier today and the days and nights before. hmm. maybe it's the unpredictable recent weather conditions that has been causing my headaches and mini-flu ):

this week will be another long week, i predict. all study and no dance makes lissya really bored. haha.

'nuff said :D

my life has been a whirlwind of results since syf ended last week. 

it started with the AWESOMEST results ever - getting gold and gold with honours. even now, i'm still really really proud and happy that we got that double gold :D NJC MALAY DANCE IS LOVES <3

then the day after, we got back PW results. i honestly doubted that i would get an A and had already convinced myself that i could be satisfied with a B. but yay! all that hard work paid off and i got an unexpected A :D but PW still sucks. wishing all my juniors the best in PW! haha. oh, i got back my math test results that day too. i got a C i think. its not a great pass but a pass nonetheless. thought i would fail the test cos i rmb that the day before the test, we had dance practice till 9pm and i didn't get to finish studying and i was having a bad headache during the test itself. so given those conditions, i think i did pretty ok (:

and today, we got back the SEA section of our history test. yes the one i sacrificed so much sleep for. and almost died studying so hard for. haha. well at least i passed the sbq - 14/25 - not too bad given that this is the first time we're doing an sbq test. but the essay was utterly horrendous. i totally misinterpreted the question and went out of point luh. though i don't know my grade for the essay yet (cos she wants us to review our essays first in return for our essay grade), i am positively sure it's a very bad fail ): i hope i'll do better for the international section. and miso on was like scaring the shit out of us about alevels and whatnot. i really feel compelled to start mugging like now. i really need to wake up my idea and buck up. at this rate, i don't think i can survive alevels. ahhh! stress! >.<

i think i should make full use of these two weeks of no dance to catch up on my studies. but gosh i'll miss being able to see my fellow dancers almost everyday though i will still get to see them sparingly in school. haha. and i think part of the reason why i'll miss the intensive syf practices is cos then, i had some sort of excuse (at least to myself) to just slack and not study or do work. but without any dance, i don't have such excuses anymore ): i honestly can't imagine life after stepping down from dance permanently and all there's left to do is to mug. OMG THE HORROR! 

tmr is a shit day. speech/campaigning day. but at least there's no lessons (:

enough said.

PS. sorry for the lack of cohesiveness. my mind going on standby mode soon. so i can't piece my thoughts properly. i promise a proper update soooonnnn! :D

GOLD and GOLD WITH HONOURS. what more can i say? we really truly did it.

the day started off rushing make up, costumes and hair. we had oodles and oodles of fun camwhoring and being just plain silly.

hours later, we started to practice a few rounds. and the feeling of nervousness, of anxiety started to kick in. i started to feel the pressure. but everyone told us we were ready to rock the stage. and i could feel that we were too.

moments before, the feeling of excitement and anxiety had finally fully kicked in. it's like at any instant, my heart would just leap out. waiting backstage was nerve-wrecking. my heart was pounding like mad. and all i could think about was doing my best.

and then the moment came. and all i could see and hear were the music, the lights, the dance. and though the dance wasn't perfect, plates still fell and i couldn't backroll properly, but i could feel the intensity of the dance. it's like we've never been so synchronised, we've never had so much feeling, we've never danced so well before. the seven minutes felt like a millisecond. everything was over so fast. and i couldn't help myself but to cry at the last pose, with the loud cheering from our juniors and other audience members, knowing that it's all over.

and moments after were filled with pride and joy, knowing that we've done our very best was all we could ask for. and the wait for results was spent camwhoring! we love camwhoring!

and after a looooong and dull dialogue session, the results were finally announced. we couldn't help but scream and cry for joy! GOLD for the ip team. they deserved it. and considering the fact that it's the first time we ever sent in a traditional dance for syf, they did an AWESOME job. and for the jc team, we got GOLD WITH HONOURS. all those months of hard work and dedication truly paid off. i'd be lying if i said that the gold with honours don't mean a lot to me. cos i truly believe we all deserve it (:

EUPHORIA - one word that best describes today. i have never felt so happy in a looong time. we've come a long way and we have achieved GREATNESS.

and i would do absolutely anything in the world to have that seven minutes on stage again.

so this is finally the last stretch. it's so surreal that the moment we've been working hard for will finally come in just three days. time passes too fast. way too fast. all that hard work. all the pain. all the time sacrificed. all the joy. all the laughter. all of it will be over in just six minutes. in just six minutes we may never get another chance to dance that same dance ever again. that same dance that we've done countless of times over the past months. i don't know if i should be relieved. or should i feel sad. 

and in just a matter of hours, my dearest ip team will be performing. every single time i watch them perform, i can't help but to smile. smile at their pretty and captivating costumes and umbrellas. smile at their cheerful and cute dance. but most of all smile at how far they've come. i remember spending the end of last year teaching some of them traditional steps. then, they were very unfamiliar with even the most basic of traditional dance. but look at all of them now. i'm really proud at how much they've improved. and in such a short period of time at that. words cannot express how proud i am of them. and i really am grateful that i could play what small role i had in helping them to reach this level. i believe that they will do their best on stage tomorrow and show that njc malay dance has got what it takes to be malay. so what if they are performing a malay traditional dance with no malays at all? njc malay dance ip team will blow the judges away! :D

as for us, senior team, tuesday will be our final sprint. our final practice to polish up everything. we've trained really hard and none of us wants it to go to waste. all that tiredness, all that pain, we don't want it to be for nothing. and i believe we can do it. we shouldn't have any doubts. we have to believe that we can and will blow the judges away. WE DEFINITELY CAN DO IT :DD

this will be my fifth and last syf. and i want to make it count. but in fact, it already has. the past few months of intense training have really bonded myself with the group. sometimes, no most times, i wish that syf would never come 'cause after that six minutes, it will all be over. and even if we don't get that gold with honours (which i hope we will!), i won't say that this experience has been a waste. it has been anything but that. an award can't replace all the memories i've made over the past months. all the tears and laughter. i have never been so bonded to a group before. in all my years of dance, i have never regarded my dance group as a second family. and in only a period of one and a half years at that. undeniably, things will change after syf. people will leave. i will leave. goodbyes are inevitable. but why must it be so painful? sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart, is the only way for destiny...

shucks. i'm crying again. this brings me back to when i started crying on thursday night after rewatching gwen's video, reading dancers' blog entries on post-syf and reading phuong's touching email. i even cried the morning after, at the atrium! heck i might even cry during the last pose of our dance on wednesday. haha. i really am an emotional wreck right now. i'm overwhelmed with a whole mixture of emotions - excited, nervous, scared, sad.

ahh. this week will be a rollercoaster ride for all of us. i pray that everything will turn out well. but knowing that we've put in our best should be enough right?

FIVE more days till the big day comes.